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Thursday – After work drinks

Wasn’t going to go out sarging today because I was just too tired from work but a coworker eventually managed to drag me out for a couple of drinks.

Approach 7: A HB comes up to the bar next to me and orders a cranberry vodka. I make fun of her drink saying that it is a shirley temple. She leaves to go back to her friends but touches my arm as she is leaving (IOI). About two minutes later she comes back up to order another drink. I bust on her saying that she was chugging her drinks just so she could come back to talk to me. She claimed the last drink was for her friend. I tease her for being a whino. She leaves again and touches my arm again (another IOI). By this time my coworker friend wants to hit another bar so we bounce.

Approach 8: We are sitting at the bar and there is an HB with her boyfriend sitting next to us. My friend starts talking to the boyfriend about some random stuff so I decide to open the HB while he is distracted. I ask to get her opinion about how a guy is supposed to get the door for a woman at a revolving door and tell her one of my DHV stories. She was responding back to me but I could tell by her body language that she didn’t want anything to do with me. Eventually, her boyfriend tells her they are leaving. Guess I scared him off:)

Friday – Rock Show

This was a fun night, however, I feel guilty for not approaching the many HBs that were present. I managed to get in 3 approaches but really given all the opportunities it should have been more.

Approach 9: We were standing next to a group of three HBs. I hesitated for the longest time until my friend actually physically pushed me into the set. I opened with something about the lead singer of the band being Rachel Ray’s husband (which was true) but it came out really bad. Luckily the girls were polite and receptive to what I was trying to say. It was clear I was going down in flames so I ejected.

Approach 10: Me and my wing, Stick, approached a group of women by the bar. He opened one HB while I opened another. I used the Rachel Ray comment again and they ate it up (pun intended). We ended up merging the two separate conversations into one big conversation about cooking and how Rachel Ray is “such a bitch”, haha. Eventually, the final band was coming on so we decided to get closer to the stage bringing one of these women with us (I think Stick ended up hooking up with her).

Approach 11: I was standing right in front of the stage rocking out when two HBs came over and stood next to me. I don’t know what it was but I had no fear on this one. I immediately opened the girl, can’t remember exactly what I said, something about the band being really good, bla bla bla. Next thing I know, we are dancing together, and kinoing each other. I kept trying to escalate the kino but her friend eventually dragged her away. Oh well.

Summary

I am still getting that fear in the pit of stomach every time I want to approach. This fear is what is holding me back from approaching massive amounts of women. Here’s the thing though, I don’t know why I’m afraid. Every approach so far hasn’t been bad at all. There hasn’t been any massive rejections or hard blows to my self esteem. In fact, once I do manage to open I seem to get comfortable having a conversation pretty quickly. I’ll have to figure this out and fight the fear. In the mean time, I’m off to the mall to do some day approaches.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Recently I asked my boyfriend of almost 3 years if he still ‘lusted’ after me; his reply was ‘not as much anymore but I still do.’ I am completely heart broken from his response and can’t stop thinking about it. How should I really be taking this and is it even worth fretting over? ~Heading for Spinsterhood~

Dear HFS: The Bitter Single Guy is shaking his finger at you: *tsk, tsk, tsk*. A question like “Do you still lust after me?” is a leading question, HFS. You were obviously looking to trap him into telling you the truth (which he did), or you were fishing for a compliment. In either case you set your Baffled Beau up for a no-win situation.

Here’s the thing, HFS. Lust is a tough feeling to maintain for years and years. Usually it cools a little to (hopefully) plain old desire, but the BSG doesn’t want you to knock desire! It may not have the gut-wrenching, job-endangering, friend-losing energy that lust does, but it’ll carry you for more years than lust will.

The BSG would, if your Baffled Beau had written to him, counsel him to have a smoother answer to your leading question than “not as much anymore, but I still do.” That clearly didn’t do him any favors, but no amount of smooth delivery would have saved you from hearing the truth. What you have now is the choice that every person in a long term relationship has:

1.       Dump Baffled Beau because you’re not going to be happy without the butterflies and obsessive lust of a new relationship.

2.       Learn to live like an adult and find new ways to keep monogamy interesting and exciting if not lustful.

The BSG bets you know which one he recommends. ~BSG~

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake. Â© Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.

Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~

• After two months of exclusively online dating at Loveawake dating site, Mr. C still refuses to acknowledge that he’s my boyfriend. However, a number of tell-tale signs assure me that he’s in it for the long haul.

  A guy is your boyfriend if…

  1. He has a toothbrush at your place. Mr. C has a toothbrush in my cabinet that he uses whenever he sleeps over. I bought it for him, and each night he stays over, he goes to get it all on his own. He brought over the floss, since we all know I have dental hygiene habit catching up to do.

  2. His mom knows about you—and you know about his mom. I haven’t met her yet, but he’s told her about me. He also talks to me about her all the time. It makes me feel included.

  3. He knows your birthday. I just mentioned it once, and he remembered it. I felt guilty when after four guesses, I didn’t get his right. It’s seared into my brain (and Blackberry) now.

  4. You travel together. In a few weeks, we’re going to Napa Valley and San Francisco. I’m helping pay, but he’s definitely taking the lead on paying and organizing. I’ve never had a man buy my plane ticket before. I feel special.

  5. He leaves you alone at his place. Now that I’m unemployed, he gets up and goes to work in the mornings. I stick around for a few hours longer, reading issues of Black Enterprise from 2007 that are still sitting on his living room table.

  6. He wants you to meet his best friends. Considering we had this one precious summer together before being flung to opposite sides of the country, neither of us has been in a rush to hang out in big groups. However, he asked me to have lunch with one of his best guy friends from college and we’ll join another good friend while up in Napa. He’s met two of my best girl friends and seems quite open to meeting more. Nice.

  7. You asked him to get an STD test. And he did. Mr. C still doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal to ask a guy for an STD test. “What’s the big deal!? Any guy should be willing to take one!” Example of why I adore him.

  8. He isn’t afraid of your blog. I don’t know how often Mr. C visits CrazyGirl Nation, but he definitely alludes to things I write in it, and he’s made it clear he wants a cooler name. “Why can’t I have an under-used letter? Like Mr. U or Mr. X?”

  9. He isn’t afraid of your period. Today I got trapped in Mr. C’s bathroom for twenty minutes because I unexpectedly started my period.

  Me: “Mr. C!” (Of course I don’t really call him that.)

  Mr. C: “What?”

  Me: “I need you to go buy me some tampons! Sorry!”

  Mr. C: (without hesitation) “Okay. What kind do you like?”

  Me: “Normal. Regular. Unscented. Whatever! Make sure it has an applicator! Do you know what that is?”

  Mr. C: “Yes, I know what that is. Why are you saying sorry?”

  Me: “I don’t know… Thank you! And can you bring me a toothbrush?”

  He brought me back Tampax Pearls. Very nice. Not even the CVS brand.

  10. He doesn’t balk at you saying crazy things about your future together.

  Me last night: “Okay, so we’ll date for a year, then you’ll propose, we’ll be engaged for a year, and then we’ll be married before you even have to start Business School!”

  Him: “Um…That could happen.”

  The point of that conversation wasn’t to get him to agree to some crazy timeline. It was me giving him an idea of my expectations—like I’m not trying to date someone for four years and then just see what happens. I have no idea of knowing if our relationship will work out, but it’s nice to know that he doesn’t balk at the idea of getting married within the next few years.

  11. He knows how to make you feel better. Mr. C calls himself The BeastMaster, because he knows all the ways to calm me down when I get worked up in a frenzy. I get headaches at night from worrying too much and not drinking enough water during the day. Mr. C’s cure is a glass of water and fifteen minutes of spooning and face caressing. I always immediately fall asleep. When I get in a mean mood, the cure is matching my sassiness tit for tat. I give up on trying to bully him. Mr. C is a crazy guy well-matched for my crazy girl tendencies.

  Conclusion

  So if your guy is title-phobic, and you’re wondering if he may in fact already be your boyfriend, think through the things that boyfriends usually do and see if your guy has been stepping up to the task. You may find that you can stop being obsessed with titles and just sit back and enjoy the relationship as it develops.

  If you’re dating a guy and are not sure what your relationship status is, how do you tell if he is in fact your boyfriend?