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When Lust Fades

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Recently I asked my boyfriend of almost 3 years if he still ‘lusted’ after me; his reply was ‘not as much anymore but I still do.’ I am completely heart broken from his response and can’t stop thinking about it. How should I really be taking this and is it even worth fretting over? ~Heading for Spinsterhood~

Dear HFS: The Bitter Single Guy is shaking his finger at you: *tsk, tsk, tsk*. A question like “Do you still lust after me?” is a leading question, HFS. You were obviously looking to trap him into telling you the truth (which he did), or you were fishing for a compliment. In either case you set your Baffled Beau up for a no-win situation.

Here’s the thing, HFS. Lust is a tough feeling to maintain for years and years. Usually it cools a little to (hopefully) plain old desire, but the BSG doesn’t want you to knock desire! It may not have the gut-wrenching, job-endangering, friend-losing energy that lust does, but it’ll carry you for more years than lust will.

The BSG would, if your Baffled Beau had written to him, counsel him to have a smoother answer to your leading question than “not as much anymore, but I still do.” That clearly didn’t do him any favors, but no amount of smooth delivery would have saved you from hearing the truth. What you have now is the choice that every person in a long term relationship has:

1.       Dump Baffled Beau because you’re not going to be happy without the butterflies and obsessive lust of a new relationship.

2.       Learn to live like an adult and find new ways to keep monogamy interesting and exciting if not lustful.

The BSG bets you know which one he recommends. ~BSG~

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Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~

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